Being Me

Sunday, October 26, 2008
8:56pm
Floor of Bedroom, Twin Oaks

I know that several of my posts have contained slightly humorous anecdotes, but sometimes I feel that it's hard to always remain optimistic. Someone recently asked me why I wanted to help out with the preschoolers during Sunday School. I replied that I felt like everyone has gifts; that my gift at the moment was a lot of extra time (this was before I got two jobs), and that there was a need that I could help fill. I said that I helped because I love little kids and I missed my family. But I think that there was something more that I didn't say.

I spend all week working long hours, hoarding pennies, praying and looking for a place to stay, and desperately trying to save up enough money before I find myself without a place to lay my head. At the end of the week, although I try to laugh, I'm tired. Physically, yes. Mentally, of course. But most of all, I am emotionally exhausted. Weary from worrying about the near future. Discouraged because, sometimes it seems that life is so hard. One indication that I'm close to my breaking point, and it just hit me right now, is that I'm even willing to write about it.

So in some ways, it's a blessing to be in a place where the biggest trouble on mind is spilled juice or what color block to use next. A place where I can forget about the external troubles of my life; push to the back of my mind the internal conflicts and stress that are such a part of my everyday life, and for a few hours, worry about someone else.

When I really think about it, I don't help out with the kids to be nice, or to do something noble. It's not really much of a self-sacrifice when at the root is motivation for ones own self. Sure it looks good, but I guess I'm really just being selfish when I help those kids.

Friends often tell me I tend to overthink. Sometimes I think they are right...
But not this time. Which brings me to the end object of this note. I know, I know, to those of you who are rolling your eyes, thinking, "Michael always has to bring this into his posts". But honestly, and I say this from my heart, when you reach a time in your life where you are forced to rely solely upon Him, then at that point, everything does lead back to Christ.

No matter how giving or "selfless" I or any of you attempt to be, our gift, our sacrifice, can never equal or compare to His gift to us of life eternal upon that cross. That is all that is noble. That is the beauty of true unrequited love, the giving of one's self for another. That is the sacrifice Christ made for you and me.

As I close this note tonight, I'm praying, 'cuz I don't know who might read this note; but I do know that I have all the same doubts and fears that you have. In the end though, I am confidant that no matter what happens, I can rest secure, I am in His hands, and that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make.